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Friday, December 1, 2017

#Funny News

#Funny News


JUST IN: Verdict on Illegal Immigrant Who Killed Kate Steinle. It’s Not Good…

Posted: 30 Nov 2017 05:49 PM PST

Kate Steinle

Remember Kate Steinle? She’s the girl who was murdered by an illegal immigrant a few years back (see YES! House Passes ‘Kate’s Law’ to Strengthen Sentencing Against Illegals). Well, according to the jury’s verdict, she wasn’t “murdered” per se. Yes, really

Jurors have found Jose Ines Garcia Zarate not guilty of killing Kate Steinle on Pier 14 in San Francisco in July 2015 in the trial that sparked a national debate over illegal immigration.

Jurors reached the decision Thursday in the sixth day of deliberations after receiving the case last week.

Before we go any further, let’s clear this up. Jose killed Kate. Jurors agree on this:

Steinle was walking with her father and a family friend in July 2015 when she was shot, collapsing into her father’s arms.

Zarate and his defense team maintained the argument that the suspect found the stolen weapon on the pier that day and it “just fired.”

The bullet ricocheted on the pier’s concrete walkway before it struck Steinle, killing her. Zarate has admitted to shooting Steinle, but says it was an accident.

So we’ve established that he definitely killed her. By shooting her. They just don’t think he murdered her. The gun fired on its own or something. Because, you know, those rogue guns be shooting up everyone these days.

And to make matters even worse, let’s take a look at this detail:

Zarate has been released from a San Francisco jail about three months before the shooting, despite a request by federal immigration authorities to detain him for deportation.

This paired with the other verdict from earlier this week (see [Video] Benghazi Suspect Avoids Death Penalty. Victim’s Father Speaks Out…) makes for a continuous pattern of judicial disappointment. At least it’s consistent.

You know how the DNC celebrates illegal immigrants by giving them standing ovations? I get the feeling this guy won’t be trotting up there in show pony fashion. But let’s give it a few months and see. The left is full of surprises these days.

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This Guy Was Just Nailed for ‘Online Rape.’ Yes, Really…

Posted: 30 Nov 2017 04:37 PM PST

With all the lovely stories of pervery you’ve been reading this week (see Kathleen Rice Calls Out Washington D.C.'s Double Standard on Sex Allegations and A 5th Al Franken Accuser. This Time, an Army Veteran), we thought we’d give you another reason to pop a Prozac. These last few months may have totally demolished any last molecule of faith you had left in humanity. But don’t be too quick to cue the Adele music and eat your emotions — the following guy just got nailed for his sick actions.

A 41-year-old Swedish man was convicted of rape and sentenced to 10 years in prison Thursday for coercing young teenagers in Canada, Britain and the United States to perform sexual acts in front of webcams by threatening them or their families.

A court in Uppsala, Sweden found Bjorn Samstrom guilty of online sexual offenses involving 27 juvenile victims between 2015 and early 2017. Samstrom threatened to post photos of the 26 girls and one boy on pornography sites or to kill their relatives unless they performed sex acts as he watched from Sweden, prosecutors said.

The court said that while Samstrom never met his victims in person, he was guilty of rape, sexual coercion and other charges.

Samstrom admitted coercing the teens — all under age 15 at the time — but denied his actions constituted rape.

Actually, Sweden has expanded its legal definition of rape. So… yes, this could constitute rape according to Swedish law. Of course we’re not saying this man physically forced himself onto anyone. We have a few functioning brain cells and a whole lot of coffee left here. But he did force underage people – CHILDREN – to engage in sexual acts with him. Methinks any sane person would say this is a fair punishment. Surpassed only by castration and a banishment onto a remote desert island with a creepy colony of willy whackers and bum patters. Actually, that’s a stellar idea. We’ll call it “Weinstein Country.”

In reality, we don’t know where most of these other, recent allegations will end up. Hopefully at court convictions. But while we’re waiting for court dates, let’s keep companies who protect creeps accountable (see Dear NBC: You've Been Protecting Sex Abusers for Too Long…).

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South Park Socks It to Millennials Wanting to Ban Everything

Posted: 30 Nov 2017 04:06 PM PST

We live in troubled and rapey times. See Matt Lauer Sexually Assaulted Staffer So Hard, She Needed a Nurse and A 5th Al Franken Accuser. This Time, an Army Veteran – and THAT was just before 9am today. Thankfully, we still have South Park. That little town in Colorado which reminds us who our common enemy is: millennials who want to ban everything.

Let’s set the stage. Terrence and Phillip make a triumphant comeback. Kyle decides that watching them fart on people isn’t funny anymore. And like most millennial leftists, if they don’t like something none of us can.

Of course, as a 4th grader, I don’t know if Kyle classifies as a millennial.  Maybe he self identifies as a millennial.  Let’s just laugh at a Girl Scout being farted on.

President Garrison then nukes Canada and we all get a montage set to Hootie and the Blowfish. Really, the entire episode was like a day’s worth of LwC posts, just animated. Also, they don’t let us curse as much here at LwC. Just as much fart humor though. To quote the great Phil Hartman, farts equal funny.

This week was particularly funny to oldheads like me, who go back to the bootleg videotape of the original Santa vs. Jesus cartoon. Because when the South Park Movie hit the big screen in 1999, it was based on America and Canada going to war. The entire episode last night was a nice call back.

Also, WTF? The movie was almost 20 years ago?

Time to reflect. Speaking of which…

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FLASHBACK: Matt Lauer Actually Mocked Sexual Assault Victims in this NBC Sketch…

Posted: 30 Nov 2017 03:44 PM PST

It’s good to know male feminists are looking out for the honor of women (see FLASHBACK: Katie Couric Outs Matt Lauer as an Ass Grabber. In 2012. and Pervert Geraldo Rivera Defends Accused Pervert Matt Lauer. It's a Trainwreck…), or rather the heiny of the womanly. In 2012, NBC thought the totes #woke thing to do was write a sketch about sexual harassment in the workplace.

Slapping bums has never been so funny. Just ask the coworker Lauer raped so hard she passed out.

In the clip, shared Wednesday on Twitter by The Daily Show, Lauer and colleague Willie Geist act as though they are part of an internal investigation of harassment.

In what appears to be a mock interview, Lauer, who was fired Wednesday, plays the role of the shocked, bewildered victim.

Geist is also “confronted” about the matter and laughs it off, saying he actually only hit Lauer’s lower back.

Other Today personalities appear to be in on the joke, even throwing the segment to guest Dustin Hoffman at the end for his take on what actually occurred. “I’m a little confused, did Willie swat him with his willy?” says Hoffman.

Look, we’re no comedy prudes here at LwC. If comedy offends you… You’re on the wrong site. But this clip did not age well considering Lauer’s guilty ways. It’s all rather embarrassing for NBC, who claims the mantle of “progress” yet somehow found itself complicit in this mess (read Dear NBC: You've Been Protecting Sex Abusers for Too Long…).

In case you were doubting the evil, innate character of Matt Lauer, this hardens that wet concrete. He sexually assaulted women. Then joked about it on national television. Again, the jokes aren’t the issue. The man making them is. This sleaze villain thought he was invincible. You know what’s invincible now? The pervy legacy he will take to his grave.

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STUDY: Europe’s Muslim Population is Growing. Massively…

Posted: 30 Nov 2017 02:34 PM PST

Muslim population Europe

The Muslim population in Europe is really blowing up. Not sorry for the pun. In light of all the rapery and terrorism associated with the uptick in Islam, certain European countries have tried to close the floodgates. You know, by putting up a wall or leaving the migrant-obsessed EU.

Well, turns out none of that can stop the ideology from grasping Europe in its tightly burka’d clutches. According to this study by Pew Research, Islam will continue to fester regardless of migration patterns.

Even if all migration into Europe were to immediately and permanently stop – a “zero migration” scenario – the Muslim population of Europe still would be expected to rise from the current level of 4.9% to 7.4% by the year 2050. This is because Muslims are younger (by 13 years, on average) and have higher fertility (one child more per woman, on average) than other Europeans.

A second, “medium” migration scenario assumes that all refugee flows will stop as of mid-2016 but that recent levels of “regular” migration to Europe will continue. Under these conditions, Muslims could reach 11.2% of Europe’s population in 2050.

Finally, a “high” migration scenario projects the record flow of refugees into Europe between 2014 and 2016 to continue indefinitely into the future … In this scenario, Muslims could make up 14% of Europe’s population by 2050 – nearly triple the current share.

Surprise, surprise. While European feminists celebrate abortions, Mohammad has seven Aisha’s to impregnate. One must have extra kids in case a few blow themselves up before the age of 30. So expect to see plenty of Mohammad Jr’s running about during prayer time, knocking little hijabed girls around. #LittleMuslimThings

Again, all this while Westerners shame each other for daring to have a family (see Environmentalists: 'Babies are Bad for Earth!' No, But Sh*t-Talking Tree-Huggers Are… and Liberals Now Say That ‘To Start a Family’ is ‘Loathsome’ and ‘Offensive.’ No Joke…). Thou shall not procreate, bigot! Tis bad for the environment.

Behold, progress:

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Dear NBC: You’ve Been Protecting Sex Abusers for Too Long…

Posted: 30 Nov 2017 02:28 PM PST

NBC abusers

Dear virtue-signaling imposters:

You have a rape culture problem on your dirty hands. Who would’ve thunk, after two years of mocking the entire idea of “rape culture,” I’d be clucking my tongue at you all? For wantonly engaging the very culture your leftist shills regularly screeched. It’s no longer a mystery why so many leftist women in the entertainment industry decried it. Worse, your network actively covered up for serial sexual abusers in your ranks.

Matt Lauer is but the latest handsy gremlin to creep female staffers and co-hosts in your now tainted halls. Before I run through a sordid history of fostering a rape culture environment, let me first define “rape culture.” Again, something I never thought would be required: an environment allowing sexual predators not only to survive, but thrive. Lest a feminist whale scream at me that all of America is a rape culture, no. The rest of America is horrified by the behavior we’re witnessing in entertainment and politics. Our intolerance of such abhorrent behavior is why the mighty falls of Lauer, Charlie Rose, etc. make the news.

Lauer is not the first sexual deviant NBC has shielded with a golden fleece. I wish I could say with certainty he would be the last. But let’s look at recent history. There’s a list of people you’ve enabled. Ready?

Matt Lauer: As already stated, Lauer is perhaps the most notable creep to have received the red carpet treatment from NBC. According to this article, Lauer has boinked female staff members in his NBC office, employing his desk button to lock his office door. Not unlike a cackling Bond villain. Other allegations against Lauer include him sending female employees sex toys (with notes on how he’d like to use them on women), to exposing his likely tiny pecker to the ladies. Romantic. How was he allowed to behave like Bill Clinton’s younger protege? With this kind of long-running behavior, I can only assume he was protected from on high.

Harvey Weinstein: Ronan Farrow, who was one of the journalists to break a story on The Nightmare on Potted Plant Street, works for NBC. He took his story on Weinstein to The New Yorker. When asked by his peers “Hey, you work for NBC, why did you break this story via The New Yorker?” Ronan answered: “You’ll have to ask NBC. I tried giving them the story first.” Not to sound like a tin-hat wearing conspiracy theorist, but seems like y’all didn’t want the Weinstein story. One may speculate you passed on the story because: a) Harvey is your pal and you’ve protected him for years; b) those who live in glass houses should not throw potted plants crusted with jizz; c) some other nefarious reason my limited imagination cannot comprehend.

Access Hollywood: We all know the infamous “Grab them by the pussy” comment from our now President. And we all focused on who said it: Donald Trump spoke the words freely. They weren’t lines fed to him by a script-writer or NBC producer. But NBC allowed Trump a show despite comments hinting at sexual harassment/assault. Billy Bush, remember, laughed when Trump talked (or bragged) about his supposed exploits. Hardly a “safe space” for working women, no? Almost seems as if Trump’s words were hardly new around the NBC lot. Nothing was apparently done about it at the time. So what other conclusion am I to draw?

Bill Cosby: “The Cosby Show” aired for 8 seasons on your network, NBC. Cosby used to be known for this family friendly show which re-invigorated sitcoms for lucrative years to come. Raking in hundreds of millions of dollars for NBC. Making Cosby a veritable cash cow for your network. It could be argued “The Cosby Show’s” success fostered a successful environment for other sitcoms to follow. Like Friends and my favorite sitcom, Fraiser. Both headlining shows for “Must see TV.”

If I were a betting woman, I’d wager Bill Cosby was acting inappropriately during his eight years at your network. Simply because predators like him have a long running history, not isolated incidents. If I’m right, then not only did you know about Cosby’s exploits, you either looked the other way, or actively covered up his actions (after all, ca-ching).

Those are but four examples I can readily name. But 2017 ain’t over yet. If rumor has it, your network is paddling up caca creek using nothing but a picnic spoon.

Things are going to get worse because you, the overlords at NBC, allowed it to be. Believing your own little self-made, dare I say it, “patriarchy” would never crumble to a day of reckoning. A rather troubling miscalculation.

The peacock’s chickens are coming home to roost. The Weinstein Effect is a watershed moment, finally exposing your heinous treatment of your staff, all for ratings and cash. Which come to think of it, essentially makes your organization nothing but a collection of pimps, selling out expendable staffers as if they’re nothing to you but useless whores.

Hopefully you saved all the money you made from your successful golden years. Your days are finally numbered.

Written by Courtney Kirchoff

Kathleen Rice Calls Out Washington D.C.’s Double Standard on Sex Allegations

Posted: 30 Nov 2017 12:40 PM PST

Sexual allegations have been popping up faster than Kevin Spacey’s pecker at a high school theater. Some of those unfortunate enough to witness this pervish uprooting have started to notice a pattern. While harassers working in the media or entertainment industries are getting tossed to the wayside, handsy politicians are being given special treatment. Simply because they’re politicians. No, really. Just listen to what Dem Congressman, Jim Clyburn, has to say about it.

Rep. Jim Clyburn suggested Wednesday that his House colleague Rep. John Conyers should be held to a different standard when it comes to the possibility of resignation over allegations of sexual assault, saying that Conyers’ status as an elected member of Congress places him in a different category from media and entertainment figures who have had similar accusations leveled against them.

Reporters offer[ed] names of Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein and TV anchors Charlie Rose and Matt Lauer [as examples].

“Who elected them?” Clyburn replied … Clyburn, in an interview, cast doubt on the accounts of Conyers’ accusers. “You can’t jump to conclusions with these types of things … For all I know, all of this could be made up.”

… So that makes Jim Clyburn 0 for 2 today. Protip: to avoid looking like a pompous rear end, consider muting thyself. See also Top Ranking Democrat Congressman: John Conyers Accusers are All White

Thankfully there’s a glimmer of sanity among politicians on this one. Take it away, Kathleen Rice.

Firstly, sexual harassment should never be tolerated (read Confused About What IS and IS NOT Sexual Harassment? Let’s Break it Down…). But Clyburn suggested Congress should be held to a different standard because they were elected. On that we’re agreed. Officials should be held to a higher standard because they were elected. To represent the people. Not given a free pass because, well, they were elected and that means they’re special. Please grab all the boobs.

stanley hudson eye roll

We’ve seen what happens when Congress is given special treatment on the matter of dirty deeds (see This Law Lets Congress Settle Sexual Harassment Cases Secretly. Guess Who Foots the Bill…). Such grabby-handed corruption has long been festering within politics and media. Time to cut out the infectious boil.

Fire these idiots.

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Desperate Newsweek Just Embarrassed Themselves with Hit Piece on Ivanka…

Posted: 30 Nov 2017 09:51 AM PST

Ivanka Accused of Plagiarizing

Hospitals are overwhelmed. They don’t have enough beds. The “Trump Outrage Syndrome” has swept the nation in an epidemic unparalleled even by “P*ssy Hat Disease” (see Pocahontas' Actual Descendant Speaks Out on Trump. Shocks Leftists Everywhere… and Donald Trump Only Wants Rich People Running the Economy. Cue Liberal Outrage…). The latest patient is Newsweek, who has soiled their pants in an embarrassing display of desperation.

Newsweek’s hate for the Trump’s is so strong, they actually said Ivanka plagiarized Ivanka’s speech in India. You read that right.

Several lines the 36-year-old delivered Tuesday had been directly pulled from her poorly attended November 2 speech in Tokyo, where she attended the World Assembly for Women alongside Japanese President Shinzo Abe.

“When women work, it creates a unique multiplier effect,” Trump said in Hyderabad, citing the same exact line from her Tokyo speech. Her words continued to mirror the speech she gave just a few weeks ago: “Women are more likely than men to hire other women, and to give them access to capital, mentorship and networks. Women are also more likely to reinvest their income back in their families and communities.”

Of course, Trump is far from the first person to pull from their old speeches—government officials, especially those campaigning, routinely use their old talking points in updated talks with voters across the country. Even comedians reuse the same punchlines, however inauthentic it may be.

In that case, J.K. Rowling is a candid plagiarizer. She extended the same concept to seven books. Witch. Reality says any creative mind uses this method: if you find something that works, use it again.

A better term for what Ivanka did? “Recycle.” As in “reused a formerly used device.”

Still, Trump’s recycling of her old speech could be more significant than simply her not having anything else to say about women's empowerment. The repetitive lines could show where the first daughter’s focus lies in the White House, and what accomplishments she hopes to align with her newfound political brand.

Oh, so they do know about the word “recycle.” If only they’d used that in their clickbaity headline.

Repetitive lines can also convey uniformity, determination, and concise thinking. She’s not aimlessly wandering about the streets of D.C. with a pink kitty hat sporting nothing but vajayjay leggings. Unsure of what kind of legislation she wants. Maybe the left would prefer she screamed at the sky or called for the extermination of Jews. Like Lind Sarsour (see Courtney Love Throws Down on Hateful, 'Anti-Semetic' Linda Sarsour).

The left’s desperate hate for Trump (and his family) has now led to this: entire articles written about someone re-using lines from one speech in a second speech.

Fake news.

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Justin Trudeau Publicly Apologies to LGBTQ2, Cries Like a Wuss

Posted: 30 Nov 2017 08:58 AM PST

I don’t understand Canada. Maybe Justin “I Feel Pretty” Trudeau had a good reason to apologize to the LGBTQ2. He doesn’t have a good reason for much else. Besides the gel in his hair (see Justin Trudeau Wants ISIS Reintegrated into Society. Opposition HAMMERS Him… and Proud Feminist Justin Trudeau Shames His Own Sons for Toxic 'Masculine' Nature).

It’s dishonest to say gay people have always been met with tolerance. It’s Trudeau’s country. Let him apologize to anyone he feels like. Okay? Okay.

Doesn’t mean I can’t mock the poster child of Soy Boys (trademark forthcoming from Owen Benjamin) crying in public over it. Multiple things can be true at once: one might believe they’re fighting the good fight… while acting like a wuss.

"Today, we offer a long overdue apology to all those whom we, the Government of Canada, wronged. We are sorry. We hope by acknowledging our failings we can make the crucial progress LGBTQ2 people in Canada deserve. We will continue to support each other in our fight for equality because we know that Canada gets stronger every single day that we choose to embrace diversity."

My favorite part is the ethnically and genderly (shut up, that’s a word) diverse group of people sitting behind him, watching the crocodile tears with “is this guy for real” expressions on their faces.

Anyone know what the “2” in LGBTQ@ stands for? Is there a sequel I’m unaware of? Like Dumb and Dumberer, only “Gay Hard: Gay Harder” or something? Would appreciate some guidance here. Maybe Justin can weigh in, since he’s now the expert on all things queer.

Justin Trudeau is what happens when a nation abandons its principles in favor of feelings. Ronald Reagan didn’t say “Tear down this wall, it’s triggering and mean.” Reagan fought for actual freedom against communism. But here we have Trudeau. Foreign policy expert on manicures. “Crying” about the wrongs leveled at a population segment. While his nation actively imprisons people for saying words.

Seems his morals are misaligned. If only he took as much care of his policies as he does his eyebrows.

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Michigan AG Candidate’s “Vote for me, I don’t have a penis!” Ad is Accidentally Hilarious…

Posted: 30 Nov 2017 07:37 AM PST

Dana Nessel is running to be the next Michigan Attorney General. Now that we live in a post-Harvey Weinstein world, Nessel wants you to know the most important reason for Michiganers to vote for her. She does not have a penis. Nor, apparently, a good sense of judgement.

Yes, she’s running as a Democrat.

Here we thought there wasn’t going to be any excitement in Michigan after Kid Rock (see Gauntlet Thrown: Kid Rock Blasts Lies from Extreme Left and Al Sharpton and Video: Kid Rock Gives His First Fiery 'Campaign Speech' in Detroit). We were wrong.

Here’s Nessel’s campign video going in to detail about her lack of a tallywhacker.

Wait. Sorry, wrong clip. I hate it when that happens.

Here’s your next AG for Michigan:

We actually reached out to Ms. Nessel’s campaign with questions*. Is this part of a broader anti-penis effort being brought to Michigan? Does she think she can ride this all the way to victory? What about women who have a penis, since LOL gender roles? Is she trying to shame transwomen? Who do have penises? Will this clear anti-pecker bias affect how she enforces laws against people who do have peckers? What about people who chose to chop their chipper? Are they allowed to serve as her staff?

Her chief-of-staff was less than receptive, and only issued this as a statement:

PCU

So vote for Dana Nessel for Attorney General. Justice? Crime? Law enforcement?

Who cares! She just doesn’t have a dong. She won’t drop her pants and expose herself! She’s not going to jizz into a potted plant! VOTE FOR HER WITH YOUR LADY PARTS! Don your pussy hats, ladies, there’s a new no-penis in town. She’s here. She’s near. She’ll use her non-penis to fear!

*Nope

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