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#Funny News

#Funny News

Illegal Crook Rapes Two After Sanctuary State Oregon Releases Him…

Posted: 02 Dec 2017 02:09 PM PST

illegal rape oregon sanctuary state

Leftists are super-protective of illegals. The same way a mama bear protects her cubs. Or Amy Schumer protects her stash of Milky Ways. There’s nothing they won’t do to accommodate opportunistic border-jumping a-holes. Take the proud sanctuary state of Oregon for example. Their compassion for illegals is so strong, they put them ahead of the safety of their own citizens.

On Friday, Sergio Jose Martinez, 31, was sentenced to 35 years in prison in a Portland courtroom after pleading guilty to kidnapping, sexual assault, sodomy and several other counts, KOIN reported.

Martinez smiled throughout the trial, and as he left, he gave one grim parting shot to his two victims’ relatives: ‘See all you guys in Hell.’

Martinez had been freed from jail in Portland a week before the attacks; he was in there for interfering with police and providing a false birth date.

He was released despite a request from US Immigration and Customs Enforcement for the Multnomah County Sheriff’s Office to hold him so the agency could take him into custody.

All the Oregonians had to do was cooperate with ICE. The rape-crazed pendejo would be back in Juarez. The women would remain un-raped. Instead, they had to be “tolerant” and offer sanctuary.

Now, Sergio is our problem for the next three-and-a-half decades. Also, at least two women had their lives ruined. Good job, Beaver State.

conan sarcastic clap

I’d love to know the left’s excuse for this one. I guess we’re supposed to ignore all the rape and murder illegals bring. Because multiculturalism. “Never mind that Ernesto once diced up an orphan with a machete. He makes a mean quesadilla.”

Leftists, put your love of taco trucks and affordable landscaping aside for a second. Your lax views on immigration laws are getting people hurt.


Washington Post Misleads Readers on Tax Reform Bill…

Posted: 02 Dec 2017 12:13 PM PST

WaPo Tax Reform Lies

Since the Senate passed tax reform, conservatives and other people who like having money are kicking off their Yuletide celebrations early this year. But, the disgruntled leftist Grinches are hard at work with their fake newsery, trying to downplay the success and the scope of the reforms. Just have a look at the Washington Post‘s take on the bill.

Trump has promised Americans "huge" tax cuts, but only 44 percent of taxpayers would see their tax bills reduced by more than $500 in 2019, according to JCT’s analysis of the winners and losers in the plan.

Overall, the majority of Americans — 62 percent — would get a tax cut of at least $100 in 2019, according to JCT. The remaining 38 percent would either pay about the same in taxes as they do now or get a tax hike.


iceman bullshit


On the surface, it sounds like only the top half is getting a tax cut. But, the Post is conveniently omitting an important detail. The part where a large portion of that 38% pay zilch in income taxes.

They even admit as much later in the article, when trying to attack the bill from a different angle.

Democrats have focused on how the vast majority of the poor — those earning less than $20,000 — aren’t any better off. Most of those people don’t pay any federal income taxes, but they aren’t getting any more of a refund.

So, because the people on the lower end don’t get more free stuff out of this deal, the bill only favors the rich?

This bill is a tax cut. You have to be paying taxes to receive the benefits of it. Pretty standard stuff, really. No need to get your knickers in a twist lefties. The government will still be raping us taxpayers, just not quite as badly.

But, the Washington Post can’t let that stand. They’re on a mission to nix tax reform, and they’re not going to let facts get in their way.

Senate Votes in Favor of Tax Reform Bill. Along with Obamacare Mandate Repeal…

Posted: 02 Dec 2017 10:12 AM PST

tax reform passes

How’s about an early Christmas present, folks? Late last night, the Senate finally got off their lumpy posteriors and did some legislating. That tax reform bill the Republicans have been hyping? It’s about to be on its way to Trump’s desk. Yes, really.

The votes are in, and the ayes have it.  After a marathon evening of debating and considering amendments, the US Senate has approved the GOP’s tax reform bill, which would simplify the tax code and cut taxes for the vast majority of American households, small businesses and corporations.  Every Republican voted yes, except for Tennessee’s Bob Corker.  Democrats uniformly voted no.  This is a big legislative victory for the GOP, which overcame a great deal of ferocious opposition — much of it rooted in misinformation — to pass the legislation.

I get to keep more monies?! Huzzah!

kingpin throwing money

But wait, that’s not all they passed.

Senate Republicans have approved the repeal of ObamaCare's individual mandate as part of their tax-cut bill, a major step toward ending an unpopular part of the health-care law.

So, the raping we get from the tax man will be gentler AND there’s no more gun to our head, forcing us to buy crap insurance? It’s a Christmas miracle!

scrooge god bless us

This will set off a chain reaction of awesomeness. We’ll have more money to spend. We’ll give it to businesses in exchange for products. They’ll grow bigger. We’ll live larger. The government will still rake in enough revenue to keep the lights on. Everyone wins!

Leftist sourpusses are no doubt shouting “Bah, Humbug” about right now. They’d prefer the holidays to be a more somber time. Sucks to be them. The economy is booming like the subwoofer on a crack dealer’s Chevy Caprice. “Merry Christmas” is no longer verboten in the White House.

This tax reform victory is the proverbial cherry atop a terrific year. Here’s to many more.

Chris Pratt Has a Warning for the Perv Impersonating Him

Posted: 02 Dec 2017 07:51 AM PST

Busy week for Chris Pratt. The trailer for Infinity Gauntlet was released. He and Anna Faris filed for divorce (they were already separated). And he has some perv impersonating him on social media.

Not that creepers pretending to be celebrities is uncommon. What’s is unusual is for the celebrity to put the impostor on blast AND threaten to beat the crap out of him. If it happens, we want video. Badly.

Which is why we love Chris Pratt.

Not-Chris Pratt probably figured impersonating the Jurassic World star was a gangbusters way to see boobies. Men who are secure in who they actually are tend to be themselves. Unless themselves is such a sad sack, they impersonate a celeb. I picture this guy as a 15-year-old. Probably on the “you fat bastard” side of 300 pounds. When he cannon-balls into an above ground pool, there’s a neighborhood tsunami. Definitely lives in mommy’s basement. Profiling. It’s a thing.

Instead of all the bewbs, he has Burt Macklin looking for him. Chris can also train raptors. With clickers. He’s also not afraid to awaken Jennifer Lawerence 98 years too early. So. Best to delete your account, sweetie bear.


Tim Scott Silences Liberal Tax Reform Critics with Two Tweets

Posted: 02 Dec 2017 07:48 AM PST

tim scott

While you were asleep, the Senate passed Trump’s tax reform. Damned if I know what it all means. The left has gone to plaid over it. Must be a win for taxpayers. The left would go to plaid if the Senate passed Trump’s “2017 Abortion for All, Gender Fluidity for Some Act” just because Trumpity Trumpy Trump Trump Trump. But that’s not the issue here. I just want my ass to stop hurting after I get my taxes done every April. Does this bill do it?

But Democrats have sent their talking points to celebrities. The most common one: tax reform is a giant giveaway to the rich. While the poor folk are ONLY getting an extra $100 a month.

Yeah, Tim Scott! What do you know about the struggle?

Here’s an artist rendition of what Sen. Scott did to that argument.


He wasn’t done.

Yeah, I’m ok with an extra $100 a month. But I’m also not a pudding head who doesn’t realize tax reform is more than just what the government is giving me.

Also, and I know we’ve covered this about forty-seven million bajillion times: people who don’t pay much in taxes to begin with (like the SUPER POOR) won’t get much back in tax cuts because, wait for it… THEY WEREN’T PAYING MUCH TO BEGIN WITH.

The people who bend over and take it up the ass every April? They get more back in tax cuts because, wait for it… THEY PAY MORE IN TAXES.

Here, watch Sarah Huckabee Sanders Perfectly Explain Taxes with Clever Bar Analogy. Then watch Steven attack Bernie for being a tax idiot.


Bill Burr Describes What it Means to Be Liberal, and it’s Perfect…

Posted: 02 Dec 2017 07:10 AM PST

The growing divide between liberals and “the left” has been fascinating. The left has gone so bats*** crazy, other liberals are taking a step back saying, “I just want a strong centralized government, I have no idea what your deal with 27 genders is.” It’s particularly bats*** in California (see In California, It's Worse to Misgender Someone Than Infect Them with HIV and Moronic California Votes to Become a Sanctuary STATE).

Something Bill Burr noticed. He’s not as liberal as he thought.

I thought I was liberal until I moved out [to Los Angeles]. And then there’s just this psycho extra level of liberal, where they are as insane as some of the people on the right. Totally extremist. I find there’s a lot of bullying out here. Just as much labeling, but they’re patting themselves on the back because they think the way they think things should be is so right because they live near an ocean.

It’s not just California though. Case in point:

My theory has always been most liberals aren’t as “liberal” as they think. Leftists just believe Rush Limbaugh and Fox News are merchants of hate, and feel they need to be the opposite. It’s why the left goes out of their way to paint Rush and Fox as Hitler’s hand mittens. Paint your oppositional oligarchs as intolerant bunny weasels, and voila. Now you’re an angel.

Now the left is showing the world who’re the real merchants of hate. Making more sensible people, who used to describe themselves as “liberals” open their eyes.