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#Funny News

#Funny News

New Planned Parenthood Report Reveals Mass Genocide. Here Are The Numbers.

Posted: 03 Jan 2018 06:40 PM PST

Planned Parenthood report

Planned Parenthood just released a report which details the magnitude of their evildoings. It’s big and bad. Not to be confused with Rosie O’Donnell’s career. Planned Parenthood has repeatedly tried to cover up the scope of their abortionist ways, implying they’ve only dabbled in baby killing (see EXPOSED: Planned Parenthood ‘3% of Services are Abortion’ a Total Lie…). These numbers beg to differ. Take a look.

Over the holiday weekend, America's largest abortion provider released its 2016 – 2017 annual report. According to that report and former ones (plus numbers supplied by pro-life groups), Planned Parenthood has been responsible for the death of more than 7.6 million babies, from 1973 through 2017.

That means a population somewhere between the sizes of New York City and Los Angeles is missing.

For every prenatal service given, Planned Parenthood performed 41 abortions, and for every adoption referral, Planned Parenthood committed close to 83 abortions.

Planned Parenthood has grown fat off aborting and selling dismembered babies. The numbers are disturbing, yes. It’s like looking into the eyes of a 40-year-old, withered feminist. But don’t be fooled, despite the numbers, PP is still a massive pile of suck. They’re failing as a business.

From 2016 to 2017, Planned Parenthood performed 321,384 abortions. That's 6,964 fewer abortions than the year before. And Planned Parenthood can't credit contraception for that slight decline – because it also provided fewer contraception services (from 2,808,815 to 2,701,866).

We’ve brought you tales of the abortionist offices disappearing (see Planned Parenthood Losing Customers, Closes Locations and VICTORY! Planned Parenthood Centers Are Dropping Like Flies). Their business model is ghastly. The people are rejecting their services. Good riddance.

buh bye high fidelity

This report simply punctuates exactly why Planned Parenthood is deserving of extinction.


Twitter Has Some Hot Takes on the Clinton Fire. Here are the Best…

Posted: 03 Jan 2018 05:22 PM PST

Twitter Talks About Clinton Flames

In case you missed it, one of the Clinton homes caught on fire today. No one was hurt. But there is a silver lining. It gave the folks of Twitter plenty of fodder, and some of our favorite Twit heads had a field day. There were plenty of jokes to be had. Here’s a roundup of some of our favorites.

And we saved the best for last, of course…

Twitter hot takes. Fueled by the flames of the Clinton home.

Dumpster Fire Gif

Maybe the fire was just naturally drawn to the Clinton house because it can relate to Hillary. They both suck all the air out of any room they enter. They’re both responsible for the deaths of multiple people. They both look terrifying up close. The similarities are quite striking.

Look, we’re not celebrating the fire itself. Per se. The jokes are simply writing themselves. You know, like Hillary’s emails deleted themselves.

hillary clinton

Some people were put on this earth to be the butt of jokes. Madam Pantsuits is one of them. I’m afraid it cannot be helped. The punchlines, they beckon me. I am but a vessel.


Meryl Streep Deflects on Weinstein, Says Melania Trump Needs to Speak Up

Posted: 03 Jan 2018 04:57 PM PST

Meryl Streep blasts Melania

Meryl Streep. I’ve already penned an open letter to the screech demon. So I’m going to just pen a quick rebuttal in lieu of doing part two: Meryl Streep: The Bitchening.

In case you’ve been living in a middle of a field, cut off from all humanity, your only connection to the digital world a second-hand Playstation 2, Meryl Streep was tight pals with Harvey Weinstein: Hollywood’s Pudgiest Rapist (trademark pending). In her 30 or so years of acting, waltzing across the Oscar stage more frequently than nepotism, dear Meryl claims she “had no idea” Harvey Weinstein jizzed in front of ladies. Meryl says she “didn’t know” her pal Harvey asked actresses to massage his member. In her 30 years as a mostly over-rated windbag, Meryl Streep, who had access to the highest rungs of Hollywood’s hanging plants, had no idea Harvey preferred his with semen.

In an interview where she discussed Dustin Hoffman (another scummy Hollywood sleaze), Streep offered this about her pal Weinstein:

“I really didn't know,” she reiterated. “I did think he was having girlfriends. But when I heard rumors about actresses, I thought that that was a way of denigrating the actress and her ability to get the job. That really raised my hackles. I didn't know that he was in any way abusing people. He never asked me to a hotel room. I don't know how his life was conducted without people intimately knowing about it.”

Clever. Offer you knew he was being a jerk (denigrating actresses), but insist you didn’t know he was raping ladies, or otherwise abusing those gals who wouldn’t acquiesce to his barbaric sex needs. Like going down on him for stardom.

Thing is, everyone knew:

Now, I can buy that maybe Meryl didn’t know all the sticky details. Sticky because of… you don’t really need me to finish that sentence, do you? What I can’t excuse is the wanton deflection away from herself by trying to somehow malign Melania Trump:

“I don't want to hear about the silence of me,” she continued. “I want to hear about the silence of Melania Trump. I want to hear from her. She has so much that's valuable to say. And so does Ivanka. I want her to speak now.”

I’m assuming this is somehow related to the “grab them by the p*ssy” comment. Or not. Hard to tell. But neither Melania nor Ivanka has any need to speak out against Donald Trump. As far as I’m aware, flawed though he is, has any woman accused Donald Trump of rape? Or masturbating in their presence? Forcing them to massage his orange member, which he refers to as “Frankly, Mini-Me”?

I’m sorry if that was too much detail. I was caught up in the moment.

Had Meryl not swiped at Melania and Ivanka in such a desperate attempt to divert attention from her prissy self, Meryl may have been in the clear with “I DIDN’T KNOW, I SWEAR IT ON THE PRECIOUS!” Alas. In attempting to bring down the First Lady, Meryl all but cemented her guilt.

The lady doth protest too much, methinks. Tis Shakespeare, Meryl. Google it.


Somali Immigrant Tries to Rape Woman in Labor

Posted: 03 Jan 2018 04:22 PM PST

Immigrant rape labor

Another day, another rape story from across the pond. You could throw a dart at a map of Europe with your eyes closed and land on a place where migrant rapeness went down. This assault is brought to you by Italy. Feminist utopia (see EQUALITY: Italy Proposes Paid Menstrual Leave For Women. Every Month… and Italy Launches #FertilityDay to Encourage Italian Motherhood. Feminists Attack!).

This rape case is as twisted as they get. Oh, and the rapist? He’s a Somali immigrant.

A Somali immigrant allegedly tried to rape a woman while she was in labor at a hospital in Rome, according to a Tuesday report.

Alì Abdella, 38, has been accused of sexual violence and theft by attempting to rape an unidentified woman, 43, while she was in labor at the Sant'Eugenio Hospital in Rome, reported Italian outlet Il Libero Quotidianno. Abdella allegedly stole and donned a green hospital uniform, entered the woman's hospital room, and began groping her thigh and masturbating in front of her, reported La Stampa.

The woman began screaming, alerting hospital staff who called the police, according to pupia.tv. Abdella, who has been living in Italy for the past five years and has a history of crime, was arrested Dec. 31 by the Epozione police department.

Abdella's first trial has been scheduled for Jan. 10. The defense team is calling for a psychiatrist's report.

Abdella is on a whole different plane of evil. His mug makes Satan’s anus look like a cherry blossom. But the worst part? According to reports, he had a history of crime. Which means Italian officials should have been aware of his presence on some level. Still, he was able to don scrubs, saunter into a woman’s hospital room and put his wicked paws all over her during the most vulnerable of times.

We’ve come to expect this kind of incompetence from the old country and her neighbors. Rape and terrorism are becoming a European staple. Like nude beaches or driving on the wrong side of the road.

Their governing bodies are incapable of protecting the people. Europe is over.


Vegans Want to Replace Farmed Meat With Lab-Produced Leather Patties…

Posted: 03 Jan 2018 03:29 PM PST

Lab-Produced Meat

If you have grey skin, ribs cutting through your middle, and clumps of hair falling from atop your noggin, you might be a vegan. I suggest you get yourself checked by a medical professional immediately. Such an ailment brings unhealthiness and delusion (see Woman Spots Chicken Truck, Rams it With Her Car. Because She's Vegan… and EXCELLENT: Switzerland Denies Vegan Citizenship. For 'Being Too Annoying'…). For instance, you might believe polar bears are dying off at alarming rates. Calm thyself. They are not.

Hipsters vegans seem convinced global warming is real. They’re also convinced the solution is lab-made meats, apparently. Mmm, a Petri dish ham sandwich.

SuperMeat, an Israeli biotech and food-tech startup that is developing lab-made chicken meat, has raised $3 million in seed funding, as it becomes the latest of a crop of so-called ‘clean meat’ companies to get off the ground… SuperMeat CEO and co-founder Ido Savir told me in a call last week.

This guy is also an “ethical” vegan. Of course, there’s nothing ethical or about putting one’s body through that hell.

Put over simply, the process involves feeding the cells the correct nutrients to produce muscle and fat, as would ordinarily happen were they grown inside an animal’s body.

If lab-made meat could replace the need to rear (and slaughter) animals, it would be hugely beneficial in reducing the environmental impact that industrial farming has, as well as reducing the spread of food-borne illnesses.

“The environmental impact that industrial farming has.” Let’s pretend this is a legitimate argument for a moment. So we’re going to replace “harmful” farming with factories mass producing artificial meat with the use of chemicals, hormones, and uncle Joe’s toe fungus? Sounds kind of wasteful and harmful to, oh I don’t know, the human species.

 Like competitors in the space, SuperMeat has a number of major hurdles to cross, both in terms of the core science of growing meat in a lab that actually tastes good… It reckons it is still up to three years away from putting SuperMeat products on supermarket shelves.

Thank the Lord this abomination isn’t yet sitting next to our favorite slabs of pork belly and butt. They also admit their prototype meat tastes like Hillary Clinton if she was leather.

To that end, the Tel Aviv startup has, for now, ditched the utopian dream of lab-grown whole organs, such as a chicken breast, in favour of initially creating lab-made chicken that can be used in processed foods.

Instead of producing virtuous chicken, they only make packaged, processed, chemically flavored cow dung. That “clean-meat” ends up in a processing plant which most likely causes air pollutants while boxing up those extra crispy not-chicken nuggets. Efficiency.

Danzig cheers thumbs up

It sounds like artificially producing meat just produces crappy tasting mush, fried in acid chemical baths. But it’s all about saving chicken Rolf and his cow friend Bingo. Saving them for what kind of world, we can only guess. Probably a world inhabited by vegans on life support whose brains have already perished.

While we’re on the subject of ignorant ideas formed by ignoramus minds. Behold, the top 5 myths of global changes:


Sarah Huckabee Sanders Says Jim Jong Un is Mentally Ill, Needs a Firm Hand

Posted: 03 Jan 2018 02:30 PM PST

Trump likes to push buttons, both figurative and real. Specifically a certain little blue button on Twitter, which he used today in response to Kim Jong Un (see Trump Trolls 'Rocket Man' Kim Jong Un: "My Button is Bigger!").

Sarah Huckabee Sanders was asked about the Twitter “My Button is Bigger” incident:

JOURNALIST: Should Americans be concerned about the president’s mental fitness, that he appears to be speaking so lightly about threats regarding a nuclear button?

SARAH SANDERS: I think the president and the people of this country should be concerned about the mental fitness of the leader of North Korea. He’s made repeating threats, he’s tested missiles time and time again for years. And this is a president who’s not going to cower down, and is not gonna be weak, and is gonna make sure he does what he promised to do and that is stand up and protect the American people.

They say you really know a person when you can push all their annoyance buttons. Sarah Huckabee Sander’s job is to inform the press, answer any of their impish questions, and do so with a poker face capable of winning millions. Sarah pushing media’s buttons is just gravy. We have a button theme today, did you notice?

Kim Jong Un is dangerous, and he’s not disappearing anytime soon. So far, President Trump has kept the rolly child in line with a firm, spanking hand. Even if Trump is getting a little “playful” with the Twitter.

Cat Exploding Bomb

Remember, multiple things can be true at once: Trump shouldn’t spend so much time on Twitter, Trump’s tweet to Kim Jong about “My button is bigger” is both a little childish and perfectly hilarious. Media will freak out regardless of Trump’s Twitter rhetoric. Might as well enjoy what you can!

Now get caught up on North Korea’s history:


California Law Forces Ammunition Stores to Close

Posted: 03 Jan 2018 12:02 PM PST

California ammo stores

Illegal immigration? HIV? Sexual assault? All things of which California Democrats are fans. They like to live dangerously, until it comes to law-abiding sale of ammo. No, no. See, California hates all things guns. So their latest anti-gun power grab should be as surprising as a feminist cat-lady.

The state just made a big oopsie which hurt ammo stores. Almost seems intentional.

A missed deadline at the California Department of Justice is leaving some ammunition stores with a tough choice: close their doors or keep selling ammo while breaking the law.

Ammunition vendor licenses are a new requirement starting Jan. 1, 2018 for stores that sell ammunition but not guns.

The licenses passed as part of Prop 63 and are supposed to be issued by the California Department of Justice. The CA DOJ said last week the licenses would be issued by the deadline, however that didn't happen.

See what I mean about “intentional”?

When Foothill Ammo owner Chris Puehse opens his Cameron Park store Tuesday, he'll likely be breaking the law.

"I did all my paper work. I paid the fees. They've had time to figure this out. This is not my problem," Puehse said.

However Craig Deluz, who works for the Firearms Policy Coalition, said the missed deadline will force other ammunition stores to close. To his knowledge, none of the roughly 230 ammunition stores that applied for licenses have been issued them.

The state passed a nonsense law forcing stores to obtain a license. Which they then failed to give out on time. How convenient.

This is why gun owners fight so hard against gun control. It entails more regulations, more fees, more government overreach, more paperwork, and it doesn’t even produce the result gun control advocates claim it will. See Narrative Busted: Proof Northern California Shooter Obtained Guns Illegally…

In short? The government gets more control. You get less freedom. Also, if you complain about it, you’re probably just paranoid. In which case you may be mentally unfit to possess a firearm. Somebody call the cops.

The mismanagement of this law has revealed itself as a big, fat, unconstitutional power grab. If California fails to distribute these licenses, it’s essentially banned the sales of ammunition. Something it shouldn’t even have the authority to do.

Behold, “common sense” gun laws at work.


Mitch McConnell Just Tweeted the Creepiest GIF of Himself

Posted: 03 Jan 2018 11:50 AM PST

Mitch McConnell, Senate Majority Leader, will never grace the cover of Gentleman’s Quarterly (GQ), Men’s Health Magazine, or People. Mitch was also never a contender to play Christian Grey or Superman. Though the rumor mills were spinning regards who to cast as the latest Bond villain. We can’t all be beauties.

Rather than running from his countenance, Mitch’s dutiful campaign has apparently embraced his vestige, tweeting this:

A gif of Mitch himself, looking “CreepyAF” as the Millennials would say. Being a Millennial myself, I agree. Creepy. As the camera zooms in, Mitch’s face breaks into what the Nature Channel might refer to as a “smile.” Better described as a “leer.”


Yeah, that too.

I understand new media demands pithy responses, speaking in soundbites, and the perpetual creation of “reaction gifs.” I’ll archive this one for future use when describing someone guilty getting caught in the act. What I don’t understand is how did “Let’s make a creepy gif of Mitch McConnell and spread it like AIDS” get passed seven layers of committee meetings, flowcharts, and focus groups?

This poor decision process doesn’t boost my confidence in McConnell’s judgment, nor in the judgment of his staff. If McConnell thinks an animated gif of his CreepyAF (yes, capitalized) smile was a swell idea, how can we trust his decisions on immigration? Continuing Resolutions? Christmas card fonts?

Speaking of weird:


Trump Sees Spike in Poll Numbers After Passage of Tax Reform

Posted: 03 Jan 2018 10:50 AM PST

Remember during the primaries, when then presidential-wannabe Trump bragged “I have the highest polls. No, truthfully. Frankly, they’re higher than a pothead at Burning Man. So high, if you were to climb atop them, you could see Russia from the approval polls upon which I built my house.” I embellished slightly. Well, Trump hasn’t been bragging about polls since taking office. Because his numbers have, frankly, sucked. Don’t @ at me, I’m but a humble messenger. However, though Trump’s disapproval numbers still outweigh his approval numbers, we are seeing an uptick.

From The Washington Examiner:

The average of several polls finds the president's approval at 43 percent and Gallup has him at his highest point since mid-July.

Trump approval rating

Following the jagged line, there is a nice sharp uptick in December. Which bodes well, since President Trump’s December was more productive than that of feverish elves regretting their procrastinating ways.

From Gallup:

It is difficult to determine a specific cause for last week’s uptick, although it may reflect news of Trump’s Friday, Dec. 22 signing of the new tax bill into law.

Trump’s weekly approval average was last at 39% July 10-16. Trump’s weekly average was routinely at the 40% or higher level through the winter and early spring of 2017, but was last at 40% or higher in May, and last reached as high as 39% in mid-July. His lowest weekly average has been 35%, recorded at several points last month and earlier in the fall and late summer.

Now, his disapproval rating is still way higher than his approval rating. So it’s not quite time to get your MAGA hat tattooed on your left breast. If you already have, send pictures. I’ve already judged you negatively, might as well go all in.

But if Trump can keep pushing (and passing) a conservative agenda, as he did in December with tax reform, his numbers can keep rising. In accordance with the better return for American taxpayers. Read Tax Reform Rolls Out MASSIVE Benefits for “Low Level” Workers. Here’s How and Media Asks if GOP Tax Cuts Help 3 American Families. The Results Surprise Them.

Is immigration next?


Thanks Tax Cuts! Southwest Just Announced Huge Employee Bonuses

Posted: 03 Jan 2018 09:44 AM PST


It must burn when leftists have to admit the Trump tax cuts are working. Burn like a good bourbon going down. Or when you pee after a night out with Amy Schumer. The Democrat Party went all in on “tax cuts for the rich” malarkey, but when you look at the facts (see Bernie Sanders Admits Tax Cuts are a Good Thing and Media Asks if GOP Tax Cuts Help 3 American Families), more and more regular Americans are getting to keep their money. Or in the case of companies like Southwest, employees are getting more money period.

"We applaud Congress and the president for taking this action to pass legislation, which will result in meaningful corporate income tax reform for the transportation sector in general, and for Southwest Airlines, in particular," Southwest's CEO Gary Kelly said. "We are excited about the savings and additional capital, which we intend to put to work in several forms — to reward our hard-working employees, to reinvest in our business, to reward our shareholders, and to keep our costs and fares low for our customers."

Kelly also said the company donated an incremental $5 million to charities because of the tax reform bill.

The bonuses will be awarded to all full-time and part-time employees who worked for the company on Dec. 31. Workers will receive the cash bonus Jan. 8.


Is Southwest doing this for publicity? Probably. There’s a good chance they saw what the other PR companies were getting for the bonuses, and said #MeToo.

Do employees care if Southwest wants to cash in on a little good PR? I can think of at least 1,000 reasons why they don’t. Whoever said “I’m not taking this extra money” anyway? I can’t think of anyone outside of some sanctimonious movie character the entire audience hates.

When companies can keep more of their money, because government is stealing less, look at who benefits. Not just the “fat cats” sitting at the top. Success and profit sharing trickles down to everyone else. Southwest is just the latest company to prove just that. Imagine if even more people were allowed to keep even more of their money.