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#Funny News

#Funny News

So Starbucks. How Did All that Leftist Virtue Signaling Work Out for You?

Posted: 19 Apr 2018 04:51 PM PDT


Been a heck of a week for you extra pump, half-calf decaf, no-foam soy latte slingers of virtue. A shock considering all the ways your rainbow-flag raising company has invested in the bank of leftism. It’s almost like you were expecting a return on investment. A pity.

Since I’ve been paying attention, Starbucks has thumbed its pompous nose at traditional valued Americans at every opportunity. Delivering lectures with Tall Pikes began with the gay marriage fiasco in Washington State in 2012:

Starbucks is proud to join other leading Northwest employers in support of Washington State legislation recognizing marriage equality for same-sex couples. Starbucks strives to create a company culture that puts our partners first, and our company has a lengthy history of leading and supporting policies that promote equality and inclusion.

Like your rumored cheap beans served with chemical sugar pumps, the taste of victory was sweet. So you cranked the burr grinder to “fine,” and threw the puck. In September of 2013, then CEO Howard Schultz made Starbucks a “gun free zone.”

Few topics in America generate a more polarized and emotional debate than guns. In recent months, Starbucks stores and our partners (employees) who work in our stores have been thrust unwillingly into the middle of this debate. That's why I am writing today with a respectful request that customers no longer bring firearms into our stores or outdoor seating areas.

Then came the infamous #RaceTogether Campaign, where baristas added “Let’s talk about race, baby, let’s talk about you and me, let’s talk about all the good things and the bad things that may be” to the long list of annoying tasks of the day. Because serving customers a non-fat, double tall latte with two pumps of caramel isn’t torturing enough. For this one, the people finally pushed back. See Hilarious SNL Sketch Parodies Starbucks Failed #RaceTogether Campaign for reference.

Pushback didn’t matter. You wanted to be virtuous little leftists, welcomed into all leftist folds. Mission accomplished.

You didn’t stop there. What better way to show how American a company you are than by promising to hire refugees? You were out of touch here, too. Yet again, people just wanted their cups of coffee. Not to be lectured to about how America should accept unvetted migrants. Read ROOM FOR KARMA? Starbucks Popularity and Sales Tank After Refugee Employment Pledge.

Your sales and brand popularity took a little dip for this cause. But who cares. You were a good, loyal, obedient company to and for the liberal lynch mob.

Until now. Two black men allegedly loitered in a Philadelphia store and refused to purchase coffee or leave. I agree this one got blown out of proportion. If I were in one of your stores, I’d just buy a coffee and be done with it. Especially if I was asked to leave for just sitting there taking up space (that’s loitering). But no, this one became a national PR nightmare about race. Which you guys wanted to talk about a few years ago. Be careful what you wish for.

Then came the second video of a guy wanting to make a tinkle in your bathroom without being a patron. And, because he was dark white, this became another PR fiasco.

So, I ask you. How did all of that virtue signaling work out? The same people you appeased during the past decade are this week out for your mermaid’s head. It doesn’t matter how much you supported the LGBT community. Your open letter on guns may as well have been printed on toilet paper. Wiped on transwoman’s pooper in the ladies room after one too many sips of the Unicorn Frapp.

The liberal lynch mob, of which you were a sitting board member, has turned on you. For the grievous crime of not granting special rights to people based on their race alone. How dare you apply the laws equally to someone with skin darker than your napkins. People of color deserve more rights, more bathroom privileges, to defy loitering laws and manager requests to leave, simply for having the skin tone resembling that of The Blonde roast.

Your mistake wasn’t offering generous libations to the leftist cause. No, your mistake was believing you would not get swept into its destructive path. You fell prey to the liberal lynch mob like so many conservatives have before you. And there you sat in Gay Bay North Seattle, thinking you were safe. Thinking as a member of leftism yourself, you were untouchable.

No one is safe from the vengeful leftist mob. No one is immune from its parasitic attacks. Conservatives would do well to remember this. Don’t cave. Stand strong. If Starbucks is targeted, everyone can be.

No matter. I’m sure you’ll continue along the leftist path, offering apologies to the mob in hopes you’ll be invited back into their hateful graces. Until you’re exiled once more.

~ Written by Courtney Kirchoff

‘Spider-Man’ Who Washes Windows at Children’s Hospital Arrested for Pornography

Posted: 19 Apr 2018 03:20 PM PDT

Spiderman arrested

Spider-Man, Spider-Man,
He’s gonna take it in the can,
Busted for child porn,
Listen bud,
You are in a lot of crud…

It takes a special type of person to dress up like a superhero and wash windows at a children’s hospital. I can’t think of any place where more smiles need to be put on faces. Then you hear one of the window wipers is going away for child pornography. And much like Fat Tony from The Simpsons, you find yourself not so much mad as much as blinded by anger.

Now, the 36-year-old will probably spend the rest of his life in prison for filming himself sexually abusing a toddler girl and infant boy, whom he babysat, on multiple occasions.

Jarratt A. Turner was sentenced Monday to 105 years in federal prison for multiple counts of producing and transporting child pornography. Turner, of Nashville, was charged in June 2015 and pleaded guilty to all counts in March 2017, according to U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement's Homeland Security Investigations officials who conducted the investigation.

Between October 2014 and May 2015, after he befriended two families and offered to babysit their young children, Turner took sexually explicit images and videos of the toddler on 10 occasions, and of the infant boy on six occasions. The images and videos were taken while Turner babysat the children in his basement apartment in Nashville, according to court documents.

I know this isn’t Minority Report. “Precogs” don’t exist. Yet. Or at least the Deep State is keeping them under wraps for the time being. But I can’t help but think there is a background checker who should be updating his resume. The kids that Spider-Scum abused weren’t patients at the hospital, but they could’ve been.

Also, who’s to say the “Look at how wonderful a person I am putting smiles on the kids’ faces” wasn’t just a cover for “I love the smiles kids put on my face.” Our friendly neighborhood Spiderman was getting in touch with his spidey senses. He was shooting wads, just not out of his wrists.

I’ll let myself out.

I like our superhero trailer posts so much better (see The Final Avengers: Infinity War Trailer has Been Released and Netflix Releases Last Trailer for 'The Punisher,' Release Date). There’s never a need to take a longer shower after those.


DHS Exposes Sanctuary Cities for Releasing Illegal Gang Members

Posted: 19 Apr 2018 01:02 PM PDT

DHS sanctuary cities

Sanctuary city success is easy to spot. It looks like retainer orders being ignored by a stagnant police force. Smug liberals welcoming repeat offenders with dangerous records. All paired with a generous dash of rape and murder. A glum state of affairs for those who pay taxes and enjoy not having their head shot off. Hence it’s easy to imagine why people are fighting back against sanctuary status (see Legal Immigrant Fights Against California’s Sanctuary State Law: ‘We Did it the Right Way!’).

These new numbers released by the Department of Homeland Security are further proof of sanctuary suckness:

More than 100 suspected members of MS-13 and other gangs were released in 2017 by sanctuary jurisdictions even though federal authorities had formally requested that they be held, according to data from the Department of Homeland Security.

Between October 2016 and June 2017, local law enforcement agencies released 142 gang members that immigration authorities were seeking to deport instead of transferring them to federal custody. The prisoners were subjects of active immigration detainers, which are formal requests made by Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) to local authorities to hold criminal aliens until federal agents can pick them up.

You can’t even chalk this up to oopsie, mistakes happen! The criminals had active detainers, yet local authorities sent them on their merry way.

Leo Shrugging

Ignoring federal law is just one of those little leftist things. Like saying people are greedy for wanting to keep more of their income rather than shovel it over to the state. Who’s wasting it on Twinkies for illegal gang members. El Chapo has to eat too, don’t you know.

Illegal-loving lemmings like Nancy Pelosi may say sanctuary status is the right thing to do. The actual numbers beg to differ. Wading through a sea of unvetted gangsters doesn’t exactly inspire confidence. Especially when paired with these kinds of tales: Illegal Rapes Woman. He Was Deported 20 Times. These statistics depict an unsightly image of the nation progressives want to live in. It’s one where “tolerance” invites Kate Steinle’s murderer over for tacos and singing Kumbaya.

No thanks.


BREAKING: McCabe Referred to U.S. Attorney for Criminal Charges

Posted: 19 Apr 2018 12:03 PM PDT

McCabe Referred US Attorney

The Justice Department is full of busy bees. Just a few days ago, members of Congress formally requested a handful of names be criminally investigated. On that list was Andrew McCabe. Looks like someone was listening. After the Department did a little digging of its own, the inspector general referred Andrew to the U.S. Attorney for possible criminal charges.

Here be the details:

The Justice Department inspector general referred its finding that former FBI Deputy Director Andrew McCabe repeatedly misled investigators who were examining a media disclosure to the top federal prosecutor in D.C. to determine whether McCabe should be charged with a crime, according to people familiar with the matter.

The referral to the D.C. U.S. Attorney's Office occurred some time ago, after the inspector general concluded McCabe had lied to investigators or his own boss, then-FBI Director James B. Comey, on four occasions, three of them under oath.

A referral to federal prosecutors does not necessarily mean McCabe will be charged with a crime. The Justice Department, the D.C. U.S. Attorney's Office and a spokeswoman for McCabe declined to comment Thursday.

“Lack of candor” is just a polite way of saying he’s a lying liar who lies. Under oath. As the letter from these Congressmen points out, such avoiding of the truth is a fireable offense in the very least. At most, we’re looking at possible criminal charges. There’s also the issue of his confirming classified information to the public.

So, allegedly, he’s a loose-lipped liar full of fecal nonsense. A leaking colostomy bag. Not exactly the image of FBI excellence. Though we’d be hard pressed to find high standards within the FBI during any Clinton investigation (see RIGGED: Amid Email Scandal, Clinton Ally ‘Paid’ 600K to FBI Prosecutor’s Wife).

Still no confirmation on how the U.S. Attorney’s Office responded to this referral. It’s possible prosecutors think criminal charges unnecessary. Maybe they’re busy with their own investigation. Or group knitting. Time will tell if anything comes of this, but we said the same thing about the letter from Congress. Now we’re here.


TIME Anoints Parkland Activists ‘Top 100 Influential.’ Obama Writes the Passage.

Posted: 19 Apr 2018 10:28 AM PDT

Time Magazine won’t let the Parkland Activists fifteen minutes of fame elapse. It was my greatest hope we had seen the last of the cast of Glee: Hey Ho, Hey Ho, the NRA has Got to Go. But as the Rolling Stones once sung, you can’t always get what you want. So here we are, yet again, sharing in the specialness that is Sinead O’Connor with back-up singers David Hogg Me Right. Plus those other guys. But now they have a new spokesbot: former President Barack Hussien Obama, using big words and tired tropes.

Play that funky music, Preezy:

America's response to mass shootings has long followed a predictable pattern. We mourn. Offer thoughts and prayers. Speculate about the motives. And then—even as no developed country endures a homicide rate like ours, a difference explained largely by pervasive accessibility to guns; even as the majority of gun owners support commonsense reforms—the political debate spirals into acrimony and paralysis.

This time, something different is happening. This time, our children are calling us to account.

Firstly I agree the shootings follow a predictable pattern, mainly the left responding with “TAKE AWAY THE GUNS” before motive is known, before bodies are cold, before families are notified. Never let a crisis go to waste, as Obama’s pal Rahm Emanual once said.

This post-shooting pattern is quickly followed by falsities puked out by every sensationalizing dingus with access to media. Which thanks to Twitter and Facebook, is practically every moron with the ability to peck at letters.

Then Obama claims America has terrible homicide rates largely due to access to guns. Which isn’t true. Homicide rates are not easily explained. Culture, laws, style of government, all play roles in homicide rates. Obama carefully pointed out “developed countries,” as countries with the highest homicide rates aren’t “developed.” Secondly, if it were just about “access to guns” then Switzerland should lead the homicide charge. But they’re one of the least homicidal countries on Planet Earth, despite a high people-to-gun ratio.

Obama then says “something different is happening” this time. Sure. I’ll agree with that. Now every liberal organization is backing the Parkland Activists and likely keeping them in the public eye.

The Parkland, Fla., students don't have the kind of lobbyists or big budgets for attack ads that their opponents do. Most of them can't even vote yet.

Except this, like “If you like your doctor you can keep your doctor” is an abhorrent lie. Report: Parkland Teens Being Organized by EVERY Liberal Interest Group. So they are being backed by lobbyists and big budgets despite not being able to vote yet. Meaning they’re puppets for Everytown USA and likely one of George Soros’s many pet companies.

For the record, Parkland’s “opponents” are legal gun-owning Americans who’ve done nothing wrong with their firearms.

But by bearing witness to carnage, by asking tough questions and demanding real answers, the Parkland students are shaking us out of our complacency. The NRA's favored candidates are starting to fear they might lose. Law-abiding gun owners are starting to speak out. As these young leaders make common cause with African Americans and Latinos—the disproportionate victims of gun violence—and reach voting age, the possibilities of meaningful change will steadily grow.

Repeat after me, Mom Jeans: gun control is a losing issue for the left. The NRA’s “favored candidates” which we’ll note Obama never specifies, are not “starting to fear they might lose.” Every time an anti-gun leftist opens his or her trap, gun sales boom. As did the NRA’s membership.

If anyone is going to lose from High School Musical: The NRA is Whack, it’s everyone clamoring to pry the guns out of legal Americans’ hands. As it was it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, gun control cycle without end, amen.

Our history is defined by the youthful push to make America more just, more compassionate, more equal under the law. This generation—of Parkland, of Dreamers, of Black Lives Matter—embraces that duty. If they make their elders uncomfortable, that's how it should be. Our kids now show us what we've told them America is all about, even if we haven't always believed it ourselves: that our future isn't written for us, but by us.

No. Our history is defined by the innate American drive for independence, freedom from government constraints and government oppression. The Revolutionary War was a fight against government tyranny. The Civil War was largely fought against slavery. Great moments in American history were about fighting for individual freedom: from government or societal oppression (hello, Civil Rights era). How history is not defined is by making America more “compassionate” via the stripping of legal American rights because an evil young man murdered 17 people. Which my have been prevented had various government offices not f*cked up.

By the way, a great way to make people more equal is get out of their way, not infringing upon their right to self-defense; protecting oneself from other citizens or from one’s tyrannical government.

The Parkland activists, Dreamers and Black Lives Matter are embracing the leftist “duty” of demanding legal Americans have fewer freedoms. Which runs counter to what America was founded upon. Let’s remember, Obama once described the Constitution as a charter of “negative liberties.” As in a list of what the government could not do to Americans. He’s hardly a great leader in freedom.

But he is a leader in leftist rabble rousing, likely with the hopes of slowly turning America into a socialist crap pile. By the way, did you know leftists in California are trying to ban books?


The Latest Pregnancy Trend: Ultrasound Fingernails

Posted: 19 Apr 2018 08:03 AM PDT

A beautician from England has discovered the latest in on-trend pregnancy fashion. Ultrasound fingernails. Most likely to the dismay of Planned Parenthoods and other pro-abortionists everywhere (see Celebs Celebrate Christmas with Planned Parenthood Party… and Mila Kunis Donates to Planned Parenthood in Pence's Name. But the Joke's on Her…).

braun strowmann

It’s hard to claim “it’s just a clump of cells” when gals are paying top dollar for a fetal manicure. That’s not what it’s really called. But it should be. I’m trademarking it now.

A beautician has drawn global attention after she turned a customer's baby scan into a nail design.

Sarah Clarke of Sarenity Hair and Beauty in Stockton-on-Tees, Co Durham, England painted Stacey Donaldson's nail by copying an ultrasound image of her unborn child.

Since posting a picture of the nail to Facebook, the 34-year-old's unique design has gone viral, being shared tens of thousands of times.

"It just went mental," Sarah told the Press Association. "I'm totally shocked at the reaction."

Sarah's salon now has a host of bookings from next month for "baby scan nails", including many customers who lost their child during pregnancy.

Here’s what I find interesting about the pro-life/pro-abortion/”when is a baby a baby” debate. Pro-aborts like to call pro-lifers anti-science. Yet because of science and technological breakthroughs, a baby feels more like a baby early on. 3D Ultrasounds. Expecting parents giving photos to family members like they were school pictures. Now painting their unborn babies on their nails.

Fingernails are even what made Juno decide not to kill it.


The more science allows us to celebrate life the minute the doctor says “we know why you’re late,” the more abortion stops being even a consideration for most people. Yeah, getting it drawn on a temporary fingernail seems silly. And trendy just for the sake of being trendy. But no one doing this sees a clump of cells. They see their child.

Don’t discount the impact these make. Sometimes all it takes is a moment of pause for a woman considering an abortion.

Woman considering abortion: “What’s that painted on your nails?”

Mother: “It’s my unborn baby!”

Woman: “Really? That’s what it looks like? How far along are you?”

And voila, a discussion is born. Non-confrontational, from simple curiosity. And yes, those kinds of conversations sway doubtful women away from abortion. Trust us. Showing the humanity of the unborn is exactly why Planned Parenthood never wants to show women ultrasounds.

Now women are putting on their fingernails.

That’s important.


Parkland Activist is Upset About Increased School Security. What a Shame.

Posted: 19 Apr 2018 07:22 AM PDT

Broward County schools held a forum to discuss school safety and security on Wednesday. One Parkland activist, in particular, isn’t happy with the added security measures.

A few things here. That tweet is a word-for-word Media Matters/Center for American Progress talking point. The alleged “school-to-prison” pipeline has nothing to do with what’s being discussed. Other than to imply anyone who disagrees is racist. So spare me the “but these are just kids.” Random students protesting, ok. Maybe cut them some slack. If you’re basing your info on guns from Kim Kardashian’s Instagram page, we can sit down and point out all the ways she’s wrong.

Straight up partisan activists who enter the public arena get treated like adults. Read also: Save Your Whining. If You Enter the Public Arena of Ideas, Prepare to Get Burned.

First, read a history book before using #NeverAgain as a hashtag. Or stop cutting out of AP History to appear on CNN. You would think I wouldn’t have to explain the rules after the armband incident. But here we are.

The second point is something Joe Rogan and Colion Noir touched on. “Picking & choosing” who is a criminal is what the Parkland activists are doing to gun owners. NRA members specifically. The entire gun control argument is about picking and choosing who gets accused of being a criminal. For no other reason than they belong to an organization that is good at voter turnout.

Friday’s “National School Walk Out Day” already has me stabby.


Joe Rogan Blasts Hollywood’s Hypocrisy on Gun Control

Posted: 19 Apr 2018 06:35 AM PDT

Out of all the gun control hypocrisy, Hollywood’s hypocrisy is the worst. To put it in comedy terms, picture a buddy movie starring Amy Schumer and Carrottop. It’s THAT bad. No one virtual signals harder than celebrities (see Dear Braindead Anti-Gun Celebrities Saying Stupid Things About Guns: THANKS! and Jessica Chastain Just Used the Las Vegas Shooting to Push a Failed Gun Control Movie). A point perfectly made by Joe Rogan.

No one is more anti-gun than Hollywood. When you hear about any sort of crime or gun violence, the left-wing people in Hollywood are the most vocal, the most virtue signalling, the quickest to jump on their pedestal. Meanwhile, what percent of their f***ing movies involves gun violence? And if you look at the Academy Awards, did you see the security? All these left-leaning liberal actors being protected by people with flak jackets on. Carrying guns with fingers outside the triggers. It’s crazy.


The broader point made in the video needs repeating. We protect everything we care about with guns. Except for kids in schools. So let’s apply the left’s logic to this argument.

  1. Celebrities think they are important enough to protect with guns.
  2. Celebrities think our schools where our kids go should NOT be protected by guns.
  3. Ergo, celebrities hate children.

Did I do this right?

Since we’ve tried the gun-free zone experiment for a long time only to see it fail repeatedly, doesn’t it make sense we give the other option a shot? Pun intended.


Chris Cuomo Destroys Morning Joe Over Trump Hypocrisy

Posted: 19 Apr 2018 06:05 AM PDT

Don’t get it twisted. This isn’t a newfound respect thing for Chris Cuomo. He’s still a douche burger royale (see CNN's Chris Cuomo Claims No One Wants Second Amendment Repeal and WATCH: Chris Cuomo is Triggered Over Clever Ted Cruz Ad. Albeit, not as much as his brother. That said, there aren’t enough Legos in all of America for Joe and Mika from Morning Joe to step on.

So for this, I’m Cuomo’s ally. The broader conversation is about Sean Hannity and Michael Cohen. Then comes the boom.

Remember in the days of the glow, when Joe and Mika spoke to Trump all the time, they had him on, discussed what questions to talk about in the break. They were the Trump whisperers.

I was watching the headlines closely, because I believed it worked against us here. Because we didn't have that kind of access because we weren't 'mwah mwah mwah' with Donald Trump all the time.

And now it's suiting them to do the opposite. That hasn't been called out either.

In a perfect world, they would all fight it out. In the octagon. And both lose. Kind of like this.


The only winners when there’s left-on-left beef is the American people. Sure, sure, it’s maybe a little immature of us to hope for a cage fight between two media doucheburgers. I’m okay with that. Call me a sentimental fool.

Cuomo isn’t wrong. Morning Joe was kissing Trump’s tochus when it suited them. And there’s nothing wrong calling them to the carpet for it.

Also, Chris Cuomo, who did a smart this time by mocking Morning Joe, is still two orders short of a Happy Meal.